III

I don't know if you're familiar with VH1, but they have this show called "The Pickup Artist" where this date-rapist named Mystery convinces guys that they're essentially worthless, forces them to grow soul patches and apply eyebrow piercings, and then, in all of their awkward misguided testoterage marches them into clubs to seduce women. It's absolutely the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen on television, mainly because some of the women actually buy these moron's fucking double entendres and horrible, horrible pick-up lines about astronaut pants and fireman's poles. I've sold a lot of snake-oil in my time, but this is on a whole other level. That is why I'm pretty convinced that the show is a big stupid set-up by VH1, and the girls are paid to listen to these cockrings and pretend to be into them, and that this Mystery guy is blackmailing the fuck out of the network or some shit and they're just exploiting the hell out of him. Oh, this is what he looks like, in case you didn't know. He's wearing binoculars. I don't know who needs binoculars hung so nonchalantly around their neck, but apparently that was a demand that Mystery needed filled. Anyways, what started me writing this entry was what I found when I stumbled on Mystery's website. He sells training DVDs of his method for the low, low price of 68 dollars a piece. 68 dollars. Kids working for Nike have to work into their 70s for that kind of dough. And it's not like they're epic masterworks of cinema either. They're just hour long training videos. That's more than a dollar a minute to have this Mystery douche spout lies out of the television. I'm pretty sure even GHB is cheaper than that, which should really be a standard for instructional dating DVDs: if your product is more expensive than GHB, you really need cut some overhead or something. It's way easier to slip something in a Long Island Ice Tea than it is to make small talk.

I'm not quite done with VH1. Balancing out the sheer awkward toolishness of "The Pickup Artist" is a program called "Rock of Love: Charm School". I'm not sure if that colon is in the right place, but I'm not sure whether the colons of the women that appear on that show are in the right place either, given the way they whore themselves out to the random television watching public. In case you don't know, I'm implying that the women on the show willingly give themselves up to the beast of the brown, take a drive down Hershey highway, allow things up their butts. Basically the show is a misguided attempt to bring these dead-eyed rehab dropouts up to the social demands of the bottom rung of America. Not an unfathomable task, they merely need to follow some lax clothing standards, curb their filthy, filthy language, and fight the urge to "slap a bitch". Of course, these women do not rise to the challenge, and barely rise at all. They mill about the lavish house they are given to live in, drinking and trying to apply cover-up to the red in their necks. The worst part about the show is that people (namely, me) watch it. In fact, I'm positive that it is a fucking event south of the Mason-Dixon. Churchbells ring, schools let out early, businesses close, McCain rallies disband, all for the glory and magnificence of "Rock of Love: Charm School".

I remember when MTV first came on the air and played music videos. I remember when MTV started failing and VH1 picked up the slack. Now that VH1 is failing, where do I turn? FUSE? Are you fucking kidding me!? If I wanted to hear Saosin eight times on the hour, I'd still be...I'd be...fuck it, no one likes Saosin.

Final point: VH1 rearranged is H1V, which looks like HIV, which I'm POSITIVE everyone on "Rock of Love: Charm School" has.