IX

In an effort to keep this thing more current, I've decided to update it more regularly, which seems like a good place to start.  However, the number of posts per week is going to be inversely proportional to their quality, so be ready for more scatological humor.

First things first: apparently local Rochester news coverage is incredibly racist.

Either there were no white people that went to that Popeyes that day, which seems incredibly improbable, or whoever was doing the news coverage decided that it would be appropriate to only film the black people.  Who the fuck is running that news station that thought that that would be a good idea?  Seriously, not one non-black person in the whole 2 minute segment?  There were like a dozen people interviewed too.  However, I will admit that the outrage that the people that were going through the drive-through exhibited was equally ridiculous.  They were fucking livid.  Especially the really big guy that said he needed to feed his "family".  He was clearly alone in his car, and more clearly alone in his life.  He was planning on dropping a ten-spot and getting 16 pieces of delicious, nutritious chicken, then promptly devouring them, bones and all before he left the parking lot.  Keep in mind, that wasn't a racist joke, just a joke about fat people.  Because people can control their weight.  By not eating at Popeyes.

Waterboarding fetishes.  That is the offensive thing of the day.  34 ggs.

As I write this, I can feel the swine flu coursing through my bloodstream.  I am so sure that I am infected because of the enormous amount of pork I eat, especially in the last few days.  Also, I've been asking people to cough in my mouth for a while now.  Mostly Mexican pig farmers too, so I'm definitely fucked.

A sort of serious side-effect of this pandemic is definitely going to be a huuuuuuge negative backlash against Mexican immigrants.  I'm pretty sure Rush Limbaugh's head might explode, if it hasn't already.  People are going to simplify this thing to the point of infected Mexican pork-zombies slouching towards the border.  And those people are going to be idiots.

I'm really tired, so sorry if this post doesn't have the panache that the other one's do.

Actually, fuck you, I'm not your puppet.  I'll cough pig-death-disease all over your face.

VIII

So, I haven't updated this in three months.  Big fucking deal.  No one reads blogs anymore.  I think it's all about vlogs now, but I've never been really gotten comfortable with webcams after the last time.  I guess I'll have to stick with this.

I've been thinking about June 14th, and how even though the title of this blog has no real meaning and I got the sentence from Googlism, I'm really going to have to not forget to update over the summer.  And I'm going to have to make that update really fucking funny.  Or the consequences will be dire.

In fact, now that I look at it, it doesn't say anything about the blog specifically being funny, just me.  So I'm going to have to be fucking hilarious on June 14th, which is nearly impossible.  As most of my friends can attest, I've really lost it over the years.  I mean nowadays I mostly just sit around listening to Bon Iver and deleted Smith singles, moping it up.

I did however find time to watch a marathon of The Hills.  It was mostly accidental, as it was just on TV as I was doing work (read: I'm lying), but god damn that show is shitty.  Shitty in the worst and most addictive way possible.  It's like cheap crystal meth.  Actually, they're all pretty rich and privileged on the show, so I guess it's more like Cristal meth.  That is a hell of an idea for a drink: overpriced Champagne mixed with methamphetamines.  "For the sophisticate who loves the taste of fine Champagne as well as the benefits of horrifying facial-scarring."  That could go places.  Anyway, if you didn't know, The Hills details the lives of like seventy horrible cum dumpsters and the horde of douchescabs that follow them around.  From what I got, there are two camps, divided over the issue of how much one girl, we'll call her 'The Reason the Rest of the World Hates Us' doesn't like her ex-best friend's boyfriend, whom we'll call 'What the Fuck is That Awful Shit On Your Fa--Oh It's Your Beard'.  I don't know why TRTROTWHU doesn't like WTFITASOYFOIYB, presumably because he's literally the biggest box of toolboxes on the face of the earth (note: tool=bad, toolbox=worse, box of toolboxes=worse than Scott Stapp's solo album).  I don't know why Wattafitasoyfoibe (phonetic) doesn't like Tritrotwoo (phonetic), but it's probably because she scuffed his shoes once or something.  There really isn't much plot to be had on the show, just lots of girls talking.  And talking and talking and talking and talking and then there's a party on a boat and then a dude talks to a girl and she laughs but she wasn't really laughing at what he was saying she actually hates the guy so she talks to her friend behind the guys back about him and confesses that she wants to fuck him but doesn't really know if he's boyfriend material and then the other girl says something positive and supportive and then they both come to the conclusion that slavery wasn't actually that bad in that it supported the predominantly agrarian economic culture of the American South in the 19th century and that even though it was totes unfair that those people were viewed as property you can't expect an economic system as peculiar as the South's to just immediately stop what they're doing and change their way of life because that would be just as unfair.  I'm pretty sure that's verbatim.

I've been trying to figure out what it is that makes things that are horribly inappropriate so funny and I just can't really grasp it.  Simultaneously, I've been really trying to figure out the most offensive thing in the world, not because I'm a bad person or get any personal enjoyment out of it, but just because I think it is a thing that needs to be empirically defined, if only as a benchmark.  I have a hunch there's a limit to offensive things, wherein you just get too abstract for stuff to make sense anymore, i.e Jewish mummies mungjumping Helen Keller's progeriac babies, isn't really that offensive.  However, there is definitely a hierarchy of offensivity.  For example, the Holocaust is certainly more offensive than fetal alcohol syndrome, but by how much?  I propose a unit of measurement called the Allin, abbreviated gg, with something like 'kittens' and 'Valentines Day' measuring at 0 ggs, something like 'repeatedly punching someone with Krohns disease in the stomach' at around 50ggs, and stuff about Hitler, genocide, retarded people, elderly animal pornography, and gay and bisexual literature anywhere from 50gg to 99gg.  But what is that absolute zero of offensivity?  I ask you all, the two people that still know this exists, to give me some suggestions.  Don't be afraid, the anonymity of the internet will protect you.  I'll probably never be able to hold a teaching position if they ever find this, but that's why God invented fervent denial.

Some suggestions: Glenn Beck , and this abomination.

One of those is the cutest things in the world.

-FML