V

Did anyone else take Type to Learn in elementary school? No one is going to answer that, because no one reads this, but I still feel it is an important question to lob into space. If you didn't take it, it was this typing program that taught you how to use a computer keyboard. At my particular school, they had these little table looking things that they'd put over your hands, so you were forced to look at the screen. In the game itself there were various copying exercises you would have to do, and at the end of them, you'd fight these asterisk looking motherfuckers called "Qwertys". Those fucks were probably the weakest things in the world. They didn't shoot anything, or have a cool forcefield, or do anything really. They had letters on their stupid asterisk chests, and when you typed the letter correctly, they'd disappear, making this cool ass sound as they did. That might be a bastardized version of what the program was actually like, but I haven't been in elementary school, with them knowing, in about 10 years. Without them knowing, I usually stop by at least once a week, just to watch the kids develop and such. Anyways, I heard through the grapevine that they don't teach with Type to Learn anymore, and I cannot figure out why. I think that Type to Learn was the most important thing I learned in elementary school, other than that shit about not eating dog-piss yellow snow. Who the fuck was eating yellow snow so much that Frank Zappa had to write a song about it? You know there was that one kid, in open defiance to the 90% of snow that was white, who sought out that one patch of disease-ridden piss-yellow snow and strapped on the feedbags. Those kids are now probably working in the food service industry. But in all seriousness, Type to Learn taught me to type superfast, which translated to me getting papers done much faster in both high school and college, saving more time for boozing. It's a travesty that some day, these ignorant kids who never learned how to type superfast will be staying in on Friday nights typing up a paper on the use of imagery in William Carlos Williams "The Red Wheelbarrow" when they could be out drinking themselves to death. The education system in this country is so fucked up.

Also, to change gears, I've begun to see a lot of people with those brushed-steel reusable water bottle shits, and in an open statement to those people, I'd like to say: "You should have been beaten more as a child." What fucking difference are you making, other than making the companies that produce those fucking water bottles very rich? Those shits go for 18.99. Do you not have fucking cups at your house? Or even a cheap plastic water bottle? Those are reusable too, you fucking hippies. Of course, those don't make the stunning fashion statement that the brushed-steel reusuable jugs make. Some 10 year old Asian kid probably cut his hand off trying to brush that god damned steel, so you can have a nice durable fucking water container. What happened to the Nalgene bottles? Where the fuck are they now? In the trash!? Yes, Nalgene bottles are out. These metal buttplugs are in. It's like fucking Uggs. Those are the ugliest piece of shit boots I've ever seen. But now to compliment your black/brown/maroon/child labor leggings, you need some nice comfortable Uggs, that just end up getting shit dirty when you walk through the inevitable salt and snow that winter brings. God dammit. What they should do is line the Uggs with metal and carry their water in their boots. Then hopefully they'll all get trenchfoot and die. YOU'RE NOT MAKING A DIFFERENCE WITH YOUR GOD DAMNED METAL WATER CONTAINERS. Stop feeling so god damned fake-guilty. Stop justifying your life through shopping for shit.

That sort of sounded like Maddox, and I apologize. I was just angry sitting in class today.

Also, prostitution and all drugs should be legal.

And gay marriage and abortion should stay legal.

Also, gay abortion and infant marriage should be legal.

IV

Thank god. We needed a Republican president like I needed AIDS cancer.

To a new tomorrow, friends.