VII

First matter of business tonight, someone at Quaker Oats deserves a promotion. Why? For inventing Maple & Brown Sugar Life cereal. I don't know how long it's been on the market, but I found it today, and it's already changed my life. What a horrible pun. I've been a fan of Life for my entire life, specifically Cinnamon Life. However, after two decades, it had gotten pretty 0ld. Maple & Brown Sugar on the other hand, those two flavors had been consigned mostly to Pop-Tarts and oatmeal. I can remember several times in my youth when I would take a sleeve of those Brown Sugar Pop-Tarts (the only palatable flavor, short of the diabetic greatness of S'more) put them in a bowl, cover them with milk, and then break them up into small pieces, essentially creating a Pop-Tart cereal. I marveled at my gastronomic brilliance, and would often wonder why there never was a Pop-Tart cereal. Anyways, I believe that this Maple & Brown Sugar Life cereal is the closest I'll ever get, and thus I have purchased several thousand boxes. I consider it part of my portfolio.

Would it be considered ironic if you were a prisoner on death-row, and for your last meal you chose Life cereal? Someone should ask Alanis Morrisette. Someone should check if Alanis Morrisette is still alive.

I don't know what the big fuss about "Twilight" is. In fact, the only thing I do know about "Twilight" is that it's like fucking catnip to girls over the age of 13. I've also gathered that it's about vampires. And probably losing your virginity to vampires. It's like one of Jewel's poetry books if it was edited by Anne Rice. I think that's a fairly accurate interpretation of a book that I've never seen, read any reviews for, or really heard much about except that it's: "Totally awesome". I'm sure that it poses some interesting philosophical problems about growing up as a vampire. Do they have special retainers for people with huge vampire teeth? How can you make sure your Limited Too ensemble looks rockin' if you don't have a reflection? Are hickeys not only a badge of shame/pride, but an incredibly risky death-wish? What does vampire tween do when her friends go to the beach/tanning salon? Does getting your first period make you a little hungry? I'm sure the book answers almost none of those questions, and is probably like "One Tree Hill" with vampires. Which would be cool if the vampires rose up against the people in "One Tree Hill" and killed them all. Tell me you wouldn't watch Chad Michael Murray be drained of all his blood.

I'll try to update this more often.

Even though I just lost 98% of my readership with that "Twilight" bashing.

VI

A couple weeks ago, I was in my living room, watching the free music channels on Time Warner Cable, not the music video channels, just the straight up music channels (basically radio for blind people still in denial of the fact that they shouldn't own a television), drinking some sort of cran-apple-vodka-rum concoction when I decided that I should spill half of it directly on the laptop that was sitting in my lap. Unfortunately, this wasn't one of my roommates' laptops, it was mine. It immediately shut off. I know what you're thinking. This never would have happened if you were drinking Evan Williams like you should've been. For that I apologize. I opened the old girl up, dried 'er off, and put 'er up against a fan. I figured holy water would only exacerbate the problem, so I held off a final blessing. I awoke the next morning, slightly hungover, the memory of the cranputer still fresh in my head. Upon inspection, I found that my laptop still worked. Except for the sticky keys. I hate these sticky keys. My space bar has none of the youthful vigor it once did, lazily springing back to my thumb after every tap. My down arrow has lost its fucking mind, occasionally refusing to return to its upright position, throwing every scroll bar within reach to the dogs. And my shift key is just plain depressed. It sucks.

And yes, I have considered putting some Evan Williams in there to battle the evil clear liquor/cranberry juice combo, but I don't think even he has the heart for it anymore. Maybe the Blue Label.

That aside, I think that it is immoral and illogical to grade philosophy classes. If there is a class wherein half of the class period is righteously dedicated to discussing the existence of, and cause behind, a fucking chair, everyone should get A's. Seriously. Every fucking philosophy class I've been in has spent at least a little time on that god damned chair problem. What is the form of the chair? Does the chair exist? How did the chair come about? And even: What gives the chair its 'chair-ness'? What gives the chair its 'CHAIR-NESS'? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It's a fucking piece of wood. If we can't get past that, we might as well just go sit in the corner and play with ourselves. The chair exists because someone in a factory made it. Out of wood, or metal, or some plastic conglamerate. Probably for more money than any philosopher makes, or will ever make discussing their own explanations of 'chair-ness'. Or better yet, how about the 'shoe-ness' of shoes? We can at least get the kids involved with that one; they gave the shoes their 'shoe-ness' working for 9 cents a week in some sweat-shop in Pakistan. Or the McCafe my professor brings into class every god damn morning. Does that have 'McCafe-ness'? Probably more like 'liqufied shit-ness'.

I wouldn't be complaining if I had a higher grade.

One more thing. Has anyone else noticed that Facebook tailors the ads on your page to your interests? If you say you like 'soccer', 'playing guitar', and 'hanging with the boys', your ads reflect that: FIFA, Guitar Center, NAMBLA, etc. To an extent it's extremely disturbing, as is usually par for the course with advertising, the fact that they think they know what you want to buy based on something you put in your Facebook interests. That's why I'm calling upon you, the two or three readers of this thing, to change your interests to something completely random, and see if it changes the ads you see on your page. Personally I will change mine to , 'covering my furniture in plastic', 'watching my grandkids eat', 'yelling at cars that go too fast', 'talking unabashedly about graphic health problems at dinner', and 'buying lottery tickets on my fixed income'. Hopefully this will result in a change in advertising from the shit they push on me now to things like: 'Fixodent', 'Depends', 'AARP Magazine', and 'Early Bird Specials at Denny's!'. I mean no disrespect to previous generations, just to advertising companies. Try it!

PS - "And my shift key is just plain depressed" is not a pun. That fucker is all Ian Curtis this and Elliot Smith that these days.