XV

I started watching Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution on Hulu today, and after imbibing several glasses of 12 dollar red wine I figured I should tell everyone about what the show is about. Basically, after trying to make English school lunches healthy and practical he decided to try his hand at doing the same in the States. However, he chose Huntington, WV as his destination. This was his first mistake. Huntington, WV is considered the unhealthiest city in the nation, and it's located in the part of America that I like to call the "ignorant and proud of it" belt. Or to be more politically correct, the "mostly ignorant and proud of it" belt. The combination of these two things make this city horrifying to see on internet television, mainly 'cause of the ignorance and fat. I guess mostly 'cause of the fat. And the worst part is that in high school, I ate a bunch of the same stuff. Even though I usually brought my lunch, I definitely packed away a decent amount of breakfast sandwiches in my day at that institution. Packed up in foil, these cholesterol-bombs consisted of some kind of egg, a coaster shaped patty of sausage, a cheese square, wrapped up in a bagel or some kind of English muffin product. The weird thing was that these little guys tasted like a million blowjobs. I have a theory now that this had to do with the concentration of sugar and salt.

I don't want to summarize the whole show, because you should definitely watch it yourself, but these parents, and these lunchladies, and these administrators don't really know anything about what their kids are putting into their tiny fat bodies. Not to remove all blame from those little pigs. They didn't even know that french fries came from potatoes. Maybe instead of having this show about Huntington, WV we should just start using all of the people that live there as fuel for the country as a whole. Wind or solar power do seem like the most Earth conscious options, but I think that Southern energy really might have a shot. We'd have to start producing really big hamster wheels hooked up to turbines for these people to run on, but I don't think that production of goods is really a problem for our country. After we have all of the wheels connected to power plants, we would bring all of these people down and show them the set-up. Then we'd try to convince them to start running on the wheels in order to lose weight. If they refused, we'd burn them like coal. I really think that this option has potential. That might be the wine talking.

I feel like this post took a turn for the cruel at the end. Sorry.