First matter of business tonight, someone at Quaker Oats deserves a promotion. Why? For inventing Maple & Brown Sugar Life cereal. I don't know how long it's been on the market, but I found it today, and it's already changed my life. What a horrible pun. I've been a fan of Life for my entire life, specifically Cinnamon Life. However, after two decades, it had gotten pretty 0ld. Maple & Brown Sugar on the other hand, those two flavors had been consigned mostly to Pop-Tarts and oatmeal. I can remember several times in my youth when I would take a sleeve of those Brown Sugar Pop-Tarts (the only palatable flavor, short of the diabetic greatness of S'more) put them in a bowl, cover them with milk, and then break them up into small pieces, essentially creating a Pop-Tart cereal. I marveled at my gastronomic brilliance, and would often wonder why there never was a Pop-Tart cereal. Anyways, I believe that this Maple & Brown Sugar Life cereal is the closest I'll ever get, and thus I have purchased several thousand boxes. I consider it part of my portfolio.
Would it be considered ironic if you were a prisoner on death-row, and for your last meal you chose Life cereal? Someone should ask Alanis Morrisette. Someone should check if Alanis Morrisette is still alive.
I don't know what the big fuss about "Twilight" is. In fact, the only thing I do know about "Twilight" is that it's like fucking catnip to girls over the age of 13. I've also gathered that it's about vampires. And probably losing your virginity to vampires. It's like one of Jewel's poetry books if it was edited by Anne Rice. I think that's a fairly accurate interpretation of a book that I've never seen, read any reviews for, or really heard much about except that it's: "Totally awesome". I'm sure that it poses some interesting philosophical problems about growing up as a vampire. Do they have special retainers for people with huge vampire teeth? How can you make sure your Limited Too ensemble looks rockin' if you don't have a reflection? Are hickeys not only a badge of shame/pride, but an incredibly risky death-wish? What does vampire tween do when her friends go to the beach/tanning salon? Does getting your first period make you a little hungry? I'm sure the book answers almost none of those questions, and is probably like "One Tree Hill" with vampires. Which would be cool if the vampires rose up against the people in "One Tree Hill" and killed them all. Tell me you wouldn't watch Chad Michael Murray be drained of all his blood.
I'll try to update this more often.
Even though I just lost 98% of my readership with that "Twilight" bashing.
3 comments:
When I criticize Twilight I'm usually attacked with the excuse "at least it's getting people to read".
LISTEN... It didn't fly for Harry Potter and it still doesn't fly. Just getting people to read isn't an accomplishment, rather, it's a commentary on how unbelievably fuckin lazy we as humans have grown and it takes the most action-packed entertainment-filled, yet philosophically useless P.O.S. story EVER, about magic and Vampires to get us to pick up a book. Read because you're interested in reading not because you don't want to be left behind in the dust of the most recent trend.
update this moreeee.
Would it be hypocritical of me to recommend that you write here more often?
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